As I head over to one of my part-timers I'm once again consumed by this too familiar feeling- short, gasping breaths, cloudy head, faintness, and this black hole in my chest making everything much harder to take... as if an invisible fist keeps tightening its hold around my heart, making tears and fear brim my eyes and being.
I have always been very nervous about things, wanting always to be the best and never to give up- however, I cannot quite pinpoint when anxiety started overpowering all of me- making it harder to live and go about my chores and errands. I have to be prepared mentally now in order to go out; and even when I'm about to go see my friends panic attacks take a hold of me... which makes no sense- since my closest friends right now are the most amazing people I've met: open minded and non-judgemental.
if I have to pick what got me to this point where my head gets all cloudy and I have to take a breather and meditate, I would say: making the wrong friends and being around the wrong people- negative, hate-filled people who only bring worries, gossip behind your back, stab you behind your back,and then... when you try leaving them behind, they stalk you-keep track of you sharing lies about you and secrets. Then they keep to the sides like ghosts, mocking your past mistakes; waiting for a moment to squirm in again and take a bite or cheap shot at you when you least expect it.
Stay positive and away from hate, guys-nothing makes your life and heart heavier than that. It's a waste of beautiful time to enjoy- why be on top of others' lives when you have a beautiful one ahead of you, right?
I never quite believed my parents about dealing with the wrong crowd-I thought: why couldn't I be froends with someone who needs them? Turns out, it creates some sort of unbalance; not to mention that going through an abusive relationship (be that friends, family, or couple) messes with your head as much as with your self-esteem... which leads you to believe that you are never enough or as good as anyone else.
Never take less than what you deserve guys: it leaves scars that take long to heal and it takes even longer to return to that place you were before it started, longer to feel like the person you used to be. Respect yourselves and ask for that respect, stay true to yourself and your virtues. Never stop being who you are for anyone and don't ever let them chase away the light within you. Remember you are worth it despite how much they try to beat it out of you be that with words, cheap insults, harassment, or any other way. You are beautiful, you are important, you are enough, and you are just as good and amazing as everyone. ♥
One thing I've learned recently is that it is pretty much impossible to be prepared for what life throws ar you. I mean, how are you supposed to respond when your parents call you and tell you that they are making arrangements and starting to pay off their own cremation? ... blank... My one reaction was to ask why were they providing some nightmare fuel. They just told me since we are still working in putting our lives together and finding a job, they deemed it necessary to leave everything settled so we, my siblings and I, wouldn't have any debts or worries whatever comes this way.
I understand all of that. I also understand that society has made it so that we have to pay in advance in order to die in peace... but all I can think and ask myself is how can I really take this, accept it, and feel good with it. I don't want to think about my parents leaving us and spreading their ashes in some beautiful place where I feel at peace leaving them. How twisted and macabre it seems and feels to have to take care of your death while you are alive-- to have to pick your box and your vase and whatever place you want the rest of your remains to be. How hard it is to listen to those words and I cannot even begin to imagine how much harder it must be to utter them.
I love my parents and siblings, we are a pretty close family- I wonder how my sister and brother feel after hearing that news that should be unimportant at the time being; I wonder if they have been consumed at moments thinking about how harsh reality can be, reminding you of death even at times when all seems right. I wonder if they ask themselves all the questions I keep asking myself: what would I do if the moment came? How would I handle it? Where would I set them free? Would I take a bit to keep them close to me even after they cease to be? Would I paint something beautiful in their honor and infuse the pretty colors with particles of gray?
And whilst asking myself all of this another voice in my head pops up and wonders, all at the same time, what is the point of wondering about all of this. What is the point in dueling on the macabre and twisted? What do I gain with these morbose thoughts that plague my mind about the future? Why am I wasting time wondering about the future when I could use the present to enjoy more time with them? Why worry about when they will not be anymore while they still are and I can call and remind them of my eternal love for them?
And yeah... after every session of wandering and getting lost in my thoughts I feel my brain turn to mush and just rinse and repeat until I find something to do that distracts me from this vicious cycle.
Today I write to you, not because we talk or to make things better, but because it is necessary for me to let go of all I have inside in order to move on.
At some fixed point in time we were friends, I guess the Doctor was not able to change it. And even though things might not have turned up right and despite the bads I still have good memories from those times with each of you.
It sucks that life is not fair and gives more chances to some than others, even when we think they don't deserve it. But alas, fairness does not depend on how we view things. You, each, ended up relatively untouched and have been able to continue and move on with your lives and I'm here- same old me in the same old place and still thinking of you... because in my mind there is some cognitive dissonance and I cannot seem to reconcile the thoughts of what was and who you were with what IS now.
The saying goes: What Sally says of Susie says more of Sally herself... yet: on this case I lost not only you, but those who believed you as well. And the part that bothers and hurts me the most is how I feel, in each case, that I gave so much more in many ways than what I gained... it feels like time wasted on watering a bad seed that never grew. Though, I guess most of all feel the same way-- somehow taken advantage of in some weird way. I am told that there is always a lesson to learn from every fall, so I'll keep working on finding the moral of each failed story.
I don't know where I am really going with this, but often thoughts of you swarm back into memory and get me walking down this vicious and twisted path that no one can see or understand the way I do. I guess it is because I have seen you go through life and get better at it, which is a tad bittersweet. On one hand I am glad you are well and wish nothing but good things, and on the other I just feel behind and I just cannot comprehend why was I so easy to either cut me off and leave behind; or why was it so easy spew all those things and lies about me for everyone to see and believe and leave me behind. Sometimes I just cannot come to terms with it as easy as other days.
I might not always feel the prettiest, fittest, nicest, smartest, sweetest, or anything special; but I consider myself a good seed—I would be friends with myself. I love hard and deeply, think about the ones I care about all the time, and aim to be there for my loved ones no matter what, and I think I do a pretty good job at it most of the time.
But I guess what I really want to say is, I wish you the best in life: happiness, success, and love. I'll still think of you, of the good and happy moments, and of the bad ones as well. I will still love the old you and I will carry a bit of anger with me towards the new you sometimes. But today I chose to not think of you often, I choose to leave you behind: it is now my turn to let go and move on. I chose to not be a victim anymore and become a fighter.
I just wanted to say goodbye. Not always we get the closure we want, but I guess this is the one I deserve: closure for myself. I am sure some days will be better than others, but I know I’ll succeed.
I truly hope you have the happiest of lives. Bye.
See you some day in our cosmic travels,
I AM SO HAPPY WITH THE CHOICE FOR THE NEW DOCTOR! I think Peter Capaldi will be great as the Doctor, I am looking forward to seeing his take on the role (and the style, too!).
I will miss Matt Smith and his brilliant and genius portrayal of one of my favorite and most rounded character ever; but is that not part of the show? To ride this rollercoaster of emotions where we are not too accepting of the new Doctor at first and then by the 2nd or 3rd episode we just cannot help but fall in love with him. I am sure it will be as amazing as it has been so far, just give it a chance. Other than that... Was it not depressing to see Matt Smith say goodbye and wish his successor a happy time? It was heart-wrenching and a tad bittersweet.
But yeah, I am very excited!
-Ale, A Future Doctor-ess
Just wanted to say that-- I have been itching to write over here for a LONG time... A VERY LONG time, but I have been feeling so blocked and have not been able to write anything productive for quite some time. It is annoying, to have that little voice whispering all the time in the back of your head and not being able to actually write it; a bit draining, too, to be honest. But here I am, and I believe that this block will never go away unless I write myself out of it. I can do that, right? RIGHT! So here I am, with books and journals, and material to be researched surrounding me because I am back in the game! =)
I AM SO EXCITED!!! <3
Cannot wait to begin-- today will be for job-hunting, reading, and writing ONLY! <3
Hope everyone has a lovely day!
- Current Location:Neverland
- Current Mood: excited
Yesterday January 1st, 2010, I decided to participate in four different book challenges *Ah-We-Some!!!*
Challenge #1---> Hosted by Book Chick City
Challenge #2---> Hosted by J. Kaye's Book Blog
Challenge #3---> Hosted by J. Kaye's Book Blog
Challenge #4---> Hosted by The Story Siren
Keep in mind, I am not listing my books in advance. I am going with the flow (like always) . Hopefully I will be able to reach my goal even with school bugging constantly :-D!
*Wish me luck!!* -*Crossing Fingers*
**All reviews are cross-posted HERE**
- Current Mood:determined
I know I snark a lot about life, but I am the type of person that would rather write about how I feel in general towards life instead of talking about it. I mean, I know that people do get tired of listening sometimes and it bores them- so writing it is. That does not mean I have bad friends that do not like to listen to me, in fact, they often encourage me to do so. I have great friends and despite my constant snarking and sarcasm, I am pretty content.
Lately I have been realizing something though: what happens when the friendship lines start blurring? I mean, crap happens and... that is it? Was the friendship real, or was it just a scam to get stuff from you? Can "REAL" friendship survive that? *sigh* I feel angry because I wish I could get mad, but all I can feel is confused; was I used or what? Seriously, what do I look like that is sparkling this reaction?
Maybe 'tis just me going crazy-- I hope. :-P
On the happy side though- I have decided to work my writerly schedule and restart My Writerly Confessions Blog to write my happiness and frustrations out along the road. :-)
- Current Location:Lair
- Current Mood: confused
The more grotesque and not appealing something is, the more I try to NOT say "never." Things change, people change and with them decisions change as well- something I keep in mind all the time. Which is the same reason as to why I try to not criticize much... I mean, you never know what mistakes you are going to end up making and I bet you do not want someone on your ass talking crap about you. That is also a reason as to why I do not like to hear the word "Always"- because when you realize that that "always" just lasted a month, or three, or six- even maybe a year- you will end up hurting; and it is a very painful one...
We are humans, people-- and Shit happens all the time. Nothing is ever going to be the way you want it and/or expect it to be. Also, your problems are the biggest problems: They are yours! There is nothing bad about it! Despite how similar two issues might be, the situations are always going to be as different as the two people going through them are; not to mention that the way they handle it is going to be extremely different as well. We just have to remember that what is good for me, might be very bad for another person. And I think I should stop this thought right here before it gets into a full blown thing... It would be too long, trust me.
Why did I come up with all of this? Just because I had a huge fail moment- Something I said I did not want to do and would not do... Well, it happened and even if I do not regret the whole ordeal- it does sting a bit...
Hope this never happens to anyone! LOL
<3 X's and O's
- Current Mood: contemplative
Is there one thing I dislike at this very moment is being understanding... No, seriously. I hate not being able to be mad at someone and/or something just because I understand the situation-- and hell, I wish I were fuming, but the only person I am mad at is myself. Why? Because I understand that and it still irks me; because I want to be mad at that and I cannot. And why is this so confusing?
This week I have been wondering if I am the only person that feels as if there are different Me's on my head- I am not joking, really. It is like different characters on a book and you are able to read from their POV which helps you understand them better and not dislike them because you are able to relate to their situation to some extent. Now the thing is: it is not so nice when it is inside your head. I was debating this with a friend and understanding is both a blessing and a curse. Good, you can see both sides of the coin and get both, and even study them... Bad? You sometimes want to be hot-headed and just stick to the one you like just for the sake of it- so imagine if you cannot do so because you have the little angel on one side and the little devil on the other, both debating pro's and con's; how would that feel? Annoying, that is.
Well, I shall take my fuming some place else to avoid spoiling you... Hope you have a wonderful day! =)
- Current Location:Office
- Current Mood: annoyed
- Current Music:Green Day
This week I was given one of the worst news anyone could give me... I know I have been rambling about it over twitter like crazy, but the worst feeling in the world is helplessness. I mean, you see something so wrong and unfair going on in front of you-- and despite how much you want to, there is NOTHING you can do about it. That is extremely upsetting, especially when the one that is being mistreated is a loved one.
First thing is first-- NEVER underestimate a hypocrite in action; you never know what they can come up with—and even if you can predict it, it is still surprising the fact that they went all the way through with their sneaky and horribly evil plan (YES! EVIL!!!!)
Karma kicked my ass though. That day I kept making up plans to get back at the person for a bit, like throwing nails under their car, right? That is not too bad *sweet smile.* When I got home all sad and sulky, I decided to go to the bookstore with my bro. Once we got to the car I realized something: One of the tires was flat with a hole on it… So I guess that was nature telling me that I should not be involved on that, but that there might be justice one day—SOON, I hope. Even if I decided not to make any bad things (Sweetness knows how hard it is for me at this moment) that does not keep me from plotting in my head. *Sulks again*
Trust me—I am even making shirts and everything because one thing is for sure: THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND! I will make sure it does not!
These are the moments that make me realize how MESSED UP some people (or society at that) can be... That might be the freaking "Nature of the Beast," but you know what? There is ALWAYS something that can tame even the wildest beast... Take my word for it.
Yes, I know that fighting (despite how good the cause is) might come back to bite your ass one day, but the only thing that is left after that is the strength to keep fighting... =)
And here I cut my snark...
Dear Superman, just know that I will miss you so very much! And that we love you!! Also-- remember that this is an opportunity to get something even better because you have the potential for it. Oh, and that we will make sure that the stupid kryptonite will not have it easy!
TEAM SUPERMAN!!! -All the way! *Hugs*
And there you go- Rambles of the Avenger! (Oh yes, Superman shall be avenged!!)
- Current Location:Plotting-land
- Current Mood:Vindictive
- Current Music:"Die MotherF- Die" - Dope